Pink Dress Thought

My favorite quote has always been one by Eleanor Roosevelt that goes, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Although I did care too much about what others thought of me, I was my own worst enemy. I  always doubted and limited myself. It was my thoughts that got the best of me. And my thoughts were almost always negative. And these thoughts just constantly play on repeat through my conscious mind all day long. I always wish that I had the power to control my thoughts. Sometimes I shake my head as if the negative thoughts will just fall out. I force myself to think of something positive, but I fail and the negative thought takes over. Nothing is worse than being in class and having to pretend to use the bathroom so no one can see you are crying. And then your left to remember why you started crying in the first place. Here is my thought process.

1. I can't concentrate in class because I begin to think about my plans for next week. What will I wear? Who is driving? Who else is invited? Who will be there? Will I look nice?
2. Then I remember I have nothing to wear ( although I own a lot of clothes) and that I really want to look stunning. My heart race begins to speed up and I get fidgety. The teacher is still teaching, but I am having my own crisis at my desk and cannot comprehend what he is talking about?
3. I wonder if anyone else can see that I am freaking out? I look around, but they are either writing or staring at the teacher with understanding.
4. I realize that I need to calm down and I try to picture myself a week from now at this party laughing with my friends. I had seen a pretty pink dress at BCBG that I could buy. I picture myself in my pink dress dancing and concurring with every song the dj has selected.
5. But then in that same thought, another girl walks in with that exact same dress. Oh No! The dress was still in the store window at the mall, who knows how many other people, have walked by, loved it and purchased it. Certainly, there was a big possibility that someone else will be wearing that dress next week.
6. Then I think how I can never do anything right, not even plan for a simple event in advance. I will probably find something basic if anything to wear and will not stand out like always. I will look boring. I am boring. I wish I was a "badd bitch" ( derogatory term, I know) Then a tear falls down my face and I realize its time to go to the bathroom.