10.4

True Story: Years ago a boy I was so in love with had done me wrong (not the first time). And the next day, I planned to go out and party with the sole intention of getting over him and my broken heart. My thoughts that entire night was on him. However, I got a call saying a family member of mine had been shot. A family member who always wanted to spend time with me. But I had no time because I was so infatuated with this boy. I can't begin to imagine the pain he was going through that night while I was worried about bullshit. I learned from that night, that while you chase people that don't or shouldn't matter, those that do could be dying.


- Everyday we lose time. Make sure you spend your time with those that deserve it so you never have to look back with regrets.

No Hello, Petty Me

" I hate that bitch!"
" Oh grow up, stop being petty and just say hi," My dad growled pushing me into the apartment.
" Hey you two!" he spoke to my father and I. I loved him. I wanted him happy. But what about my happiness? I wasn't happy. Was it at the cost of his? I hugged him as his eyes glanced over to his wife begging me to speak first. I hated being phony. I hated that he expected me to be phony. Doesn't he value my honest feelings over keeping the peace with fabricated feelings and hellos? I would never deny his feelings, Id embrace them, confront them, and make things right the best I could. " If you cared about his happiness, you'd just shut up and be polite," I thought to my myself. " But he if cared about my happiness he wouldn't ask me to suppress my negative  thoughts and feelings that were bottling up. Care about his happiness? How could he be happy when I am not?
"Hello," I mumbled.

sluggish

At work sluggish because the pills; Klonopin and Ativan that decided not to work last night have suddenly both kicked in. This is the wrong time to be tired.I am a walking zombie at work, I don't know what was asked of me so I cant get my tasks done. I lack the energy to confirm my tasks or probably even be able to do them. I am high. But I like it. Nothing bothers me, because I am not totally present right now. I could get written up today and  I wouldn't have a panic attack. I might just smile. No seriously. I am really high right now. hahaha

Pills & sleep

1:00

Klonopin 

2:00

Take another 

3:00

Let's try the Ativan 

5:00

I still can't sleep.

Depression sucks.

Lie

Lie and tell me you miss me.

Because ignorance is bliss.

Lie and tell me you love me.

Say anything just to get me by.

LIE.

Just don't f*ck up this high.

Depression Hurts

You probably think of an "emotional" or a "mental" pain when you think of depression. But it physically hurts. Depression hurts like hell. " I'm sick, " I cried. " Like really really sick. I need help." My heart was racing, my body felt light and my throat was closing up.

" What's wrong? Do you want to go to the hospital?" You know when you have a really bad headache and your senses are heightened? Thats what depression is. The light hurts your eyes. Noise is magnified. Everything hurts & nothing is right. For that whole week, I was bedridden with a loss of appetite and energy. My mother was worried about me. Thats what hurt the most. But I couldn't ease her pain.

 " I don't think I'm going to be okay."

As encouraging advice they say, " Theres always a rainbow after the rain." When will it stop raining? Its been raining for years but only above my head. Everyone around me, walks around happily and blind to life's or even just my suffering. Its blatant. How can they not notice that  I am uncomfortable in my own skin. A few stopped to tell me " to smile" but they don't stop and try to attempt to give me a reason to. But these are strangers, I needed him to help me. My loved one. The one whom I need most. The one whose opinion and love I need most and maybe only. He watches me hurt. Why wont he protect me? Shield me? I use to think I deserved the rain, I'd talk long walks in it in my misery. No umbrella, fully drenched, alone, and thoughts racing. But the misery is getting to me. I need to be rescued. They say its all in my head as if I chose to be sad and can turn it off like a light switch. But I don't choose to be sad, sadness as chosen me, taking over me.I don't want to feel this way. I am calling out for help. I am slowly withering away. When I die, I wonder if he will realize he could have saved me?